Tuesday, September 07, 2004

An accident...left one woman dead.....

That was the line that made it real.

"An accident that police said involved a traffic light in Tamarac Saturday left one woman dead..."

That's what made me realize that it wasn't a dream.

"Geena Torres-Hodgins, 33, of Tamarac, was driving her 1995 Toyota southbound on Nob Hill Road when it collided with a 2002 Chevrolet Suburban heading west on Commercial Boulevard, according to the Broward Sheriff's Office"

That is what made me realize that it was...it is true.

"Torres-Hodgins died Sunday at Broward General Medical Center."

That is the line that made me realize that I won't get a phone call from her ever again.

She is dead.

It will be even more of a reality for me when her parents bring her home this week. It will feel too real. I keep seeing images of her in my head...she is laughing...or sleeping on the couch while watching a movie...or playing handball against her livingroom wall. These are the happy images I see. But then when reality hits I see images of her getting hit by the truck...her lying there bleeding...then I see her hooked up to a ventilator, swollen, bruised, her head bandaged up covering the massave head trauma she received. I see her mother holding her, crying, sobbing in anguish. I see her mother's chiuauha, Maya, digging her little wet nose under Geena's hands trying to get her to pet her...but she isn't. She isn't going to pet you Maya...She isn't going to laugh...She isn't going to sleep during a movie...She isn't going to play handball against the living room wall... She isn't here anymore.

I miss her so much.

I keep struggling between the happy images and the tragic images...My mind melds them together into one streaming image. There are so breaks, no pauses, nothing separated into chapters...It's all one image. But I try to just focus on the happy images...it's hard but I have to. I don't want to always think of her lying limp, hooked up to machines...lifeless....cold...swollen...dead.

I try to remember her happy. I see her smile...beautiful...Radiant...full of life.

That how I must remember her...that how she lived...when she lived..That is how she would want to be remembered.

I love you Geena.

My cousin. My sister. My smile.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Please bring her home

Just when things are have gotten better....something bad happens. Geena is lying in a coma right now in the middle of a hurricane down in florida. I feel numb once again....But I have to think positive....I have a headache but Geena has swelling of the brain...We can't do anything...her mother can't be with her because there are no flights to florida...My heart stops everytime the phone rings...I can't do anything but think positive...be positive...be positive...pray...cry...sob...be angry...fucking hurricane...be positive....
Everyone in my house is praying, using the rosary to talk to God. A bunch of beads...some plastic some glass.... on a chain...some metal...some thread. Used to talk to God. A prayer re-peated several times in succession, all to talk to God. I took out my rosary, the one from my first communion...but I didn't want to use the same prayer that you use when you use the rosary...I came up with my own prayer to talk to whoever will listen...And who ever will listen I want them to give a message to Geena...I want the operator to connect me...I want them to tell her these things that I wish I could tell her in person. Maybe she will hear them and know what I am feeling...I start at the cross....

Please bring her home

then I re-peat five times over....

Please bring her home

Please bring her home
Please bring her home
Please bring her home

Please bring her home

And then I say...

Please tell her that I want her to come home
Tell her that I love her
Tell her that her mom loves her
Tell her that her family loves her
Tell her that I lover her like she is my older sister
Tell her that she is my role model
Tell her her sisters love her
Tell her her goddaughter wants her home
Tell her that her unbornchild is waiting to meet her one day
Tell her that Janelle is mad at her again

Tell her her mother is worried sick about her

Tell her that I thank her for trusting me to use her new car to take my driving test
Tell her that I still want to go scubadiving with her
Tell her that I'm happy she finally put furnature in the house
Tell her that when she gets out we have to rent another mustang
Tell her that I want to be like her when I grow up
Tell her never to go driving during hurricanes again
Tell her that I thought horseback riding was cool when she did it
Tell her that I still think she's an alien when she picks things up with her feet like they are hands
Tell her she was Brandy's best friend
Tell her to stop playing handball against her living room wall

Tell her that I was going to take her up on that offer for the long weekend

Tell her I'm still upset she made me cry that time in the car
Tell her that I'm crying right now
Tell her I said thank you for getting me into college
Tell her I'm happy she finally got some rhythm in her salsa dancing
Tell her that she still needs to work at it a little more
Tell her that part of the reason why I love Dali's paintings is because she loves them too
Tell her I want to paint for her
Tell her I want to paint like her
Tell her I'm sorry for missing her gallery opening
Tell her I'll be at the next one

Tell her Tony, Jeanette and the kids are ready to challenge her at kareoke

Tell her little Gee wants her Madrina to be at the college graduation
Tell her that I want to be at her wedding
Tell her that it's not her time
Tell her there is a lot left unfinished
Tell her all the pain she went through in the past made her stronger
Tell her to use that strength now
Tell her she deserves all the good that has come to her
Tell her I still want to make her crack up laughing
Tell her I wouldn't want to get drunk and pass out at boobie's with anyone else but her
Tell her she is still a rotten cheater and sore loser at any game

Tell her that she is The Scrabble nerd and master

Tell her I admire her
Tell her that that her mom loves her as if she gave birth to her herself
Ask her did she hear me
Ask her did she hear us
Ask her does she hear Laura
Do you hear me
Are you listening to me
We want her back
We want her here and now
Please bring her home...it's not her time