Saturday, July 24, 2004

Make a fish breathe oxygen and stand on it's fins

Well today I was called into the principals office and reprimanded...so to speak. Actually the manager I report to called me into his office to tell me that the supervisor was complaining about me to him. The supervisor hasn't been appreciating my work ethic, which lately has consisted of talking on the phone, laughing out loud while talking on the phone, coming in later than I should, and overall appearing to not be doing any work (which is not too far from the truth). Funny thing is, I've been doing this for a while now, only difference is that I am now sitting right next to the VP's office so I'm more exposed. I was warned to try not to be so obvious....my manger know that I do my work but I just have to be more careful. To which I apologized and said that I would do as he suggested.
 
Now usually when some thing like this happens to someone at work they leave the office shaking in their boots, biting their fingernails saying "Oh me, oh my! I better do what they say or I'll get into big trouble! (whimper, whimper)"....Funny thing is, I was barely phased by it.
 
That is NOT a good thing.
 
Lately I've been feeling like I am slowly deteriorating from the inside out. I have spent 5 years working in a non-creative environment and it is slowly killing my soul. I know it sounds dramatic but that is the best way I can describe it. I am an artist working in credit and collections...that is not an area that offers much creativity. The most creative I can get in my job is deciding what color I want to make the totals on an Excel spreadsheet. Every morning when I am walking to my building I feeling I am walking to my execution. The other day I took the day off to take my friend, Jen, to the airport. While we were wasting time until she had to go to her gate I turned to her and said "You know I am so much happier sitting here that I would be sitting at my desk at work.". She goes "Seriously?", I said "Yeah, seriously." She tells me "That is really bad.".....She's right, that is bad but it's the truth.
 
I hate feeling like this because I know this is not how I would usually behave. This is not me. I am not this person that literally DOES NOT CARE. I hate feeling like this but I can't help it. I hope that I can get in to a career in the very near future that is more suited to my personalities and talents. I hope I can have a job that I can even mildly enjoy. I can't keep working where I'm at....I'll either just get up and quit or let them fire me....I unfortunately would be happier either way, which again is not a good thing.
 
I need to be able to breath the water and not the air....I'm just not built that way.