Monday, December 13, 2004

Everything sucks

The guy taking on the express bus sucks....does anyone not have any fucking consideration anymore. I did not pay $4 for the express bus so I can listen to some asshole talk on his stupid little cell phone the whole way home. Due to his lack of consideration I know that he has a date this thursday....fucking bastard.

Christmas sucks. I am so tired of this fucking hallmark holiday. There is no meaning left in it anymore. We celebrate the birth of someone who's birthday did not even take place in december. How so? Well just last week was the feast of immacculate conception...just think about it. Either Mary gave birth two weeks after her conception or it took her a whole year to give birth. I learned in Health class either senario is impossible. It's just an empty holiday that his run by the mighty dollar.

Work sucks. I got laid off and re-hired within 2 weeks. Sounds good but I feel that I'll be doing work that I am not meant to do. I wish I knew what I was meant to do in this lifetime. I just don't know what I was put on this earth to do. I just feel that my existance has not been validated yet and I wish it were. and no I'm not going to kill myself or do something lame like that...I just feel like poop right now.

2004 sucks major donkey nuts! I'm giving this year two middle fingers and an arm gesture. I can only hope that 2005 is has to get better. This year just really sucked. I can't wait for New Years Day....It will be a new year and I will get my vacation time back so I can go on that much needed vacation that I was supposed to take 3 months ago.

Oh, and the Red Sox Suck too....Go Yankees.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

It calls to us...the precious

The Hallucinogenic ToreadorMan, I never realized how addicted I am to my computer. I had to dismantle it for a couple of days while my ceiling was being replaced in my apartment. As I was choking on the dust (and hopefully not asbestos) all I kept thinking was "I wonder what's going on the X-Files message boards?" I thought I was going to become catatonic. I finally got my fix today when I returned back to work. Ah, it felt good to have access to all the useless information I can find at the click of my mouse. How terrible is that? I got to move some of my stuff back into my room last night but I didn't put my computer back because I was so tired from cleaning up the ceiling dust...but rest assured I am hooking my baby when I get home...We needs to have our preciousssssssss!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Today is Annoy Tanya Day!

I am so annoyed with everything right now, I feel like throwing my fucking office chair right through the window. It's like every little minor thing that I would usually just brush aside is all happening at the same time and it's pissing the hell out of me. What the fuck! First I can't find my scarf that matches my coat, then I get to work and I still can't get onto a website I need to do work on because of some fucking stupid computer shit that I don't even want to get into. then it's lunch time and guess what? I left my fucking money on my desk at home. Not that I was going to eat much for lunch because all I have is $4 to my name until I get paid on friday. Thank god I was smart enought to make breakfast this morning or else I would have been fucking starving all day. Oh but I think I have .45 cents in my pocket, maybe I can get a fucking carrot stick from the cafeteria!

Oh I hate to sound like this but my temper is so short today for some reason. I'm really trying my hardest not to look angry at my desk because I've already been asked if I was upset due to the look on my face. But I'll sit here and laugh and giggle and act like everything is just peachy it this fucking hell hole.

God, I need a fucking drink.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

several ramblings

I should really update this daily.....I had a wierd dream a couple nights ago. I dreamt I was with Geena but it wan't really her, she was a human clone of the Geena that died. Everyone was happy just to have her back and they were telling her the things that she used to like and the things she used to do but I was the only one that was not as elated as they were. I was talking to her and asking her if she truly felt that red was her favorite color or was she just saying that is was because that was the original Geena's favorite color. She told me that is wasn't her favorite color, she told me that although she looked and sounded like Geena she had no memories or feelings for the same things that Geena had when she lived. Then I tried to tell the family not to force the "new" Geena to be exactly like the "old" Geena. She was a different person and had her own feelings and desires, but no one would listen to me. The "new" Geena continued to act like the original version of my cousin but she was secretly unhappy......What the hell is that shit about? Maybe I need to cut back on watching all the sci-fi and horror movies that was on over the Halloween weekend.

Oh yeah and ass Bush is going back into office, the Yankees lost and Boston won the world series...the signs of the apocalypse have revealed themselves to us.....Hey at least we have the Giants and the Jets....

I hope.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

An accident...left one woman dead.....

That was the line that made it real.

"An accident that police said involved a traffic light in Tamarac Saturday left one woman dead..."

That's what made me realize that it wasn't a dream.

"Geena Torres-Hodgins, 33, of Tamarac, was driving her 1995 Toyota southbound on Nob Hill Road when it collided with a 2002 Chevrolet Suburban heading west on Commercial Boulevard, according to the Broward Sheriff's Office"

That is what made me realize that it is true.

"Torres-Hodgins died Sunday at Broward General Medical Center."

That is the line that made me realize that I won't get a phone call from her ever again.

She is dead.

It will be even more of a reality for me when her parents bring her home this week. It will feel too real. I keep seeing images of her in my head...she is laughing...or sleeping on the couch while watching a movie...or playing handball against her livingroom wall. These are the happy images I see. But then when reality hits I see images of her getting hit by the truck...her lying there bleeding...then I see her hooked up to a ventilator, swollen, bruised, her head bandaged up covering the massave head trauma she received. I see her mother holding her, crying, sobbing in anguish. I see her mother's chiuauha, Maya, digging her little wet nose under Geena's hands trying to get her to pet her...but she isn't. She isn't going to pet you Maya...She isn't going to laugh...She isn't going to sleep during a movie...She isn't going to play handball against the living room wall... She isn't here anymore.

I miss her so much.

I keep struggling between the happy images and the tragic images...My mind melds them together into one streaming image. There are so breaks, no pauses, nothing separated into chapters...It's all one image. But I try to just focus on the happy's hard but I have to. I don't want to always think of her lying limp, hooked up to machines...lifeless....cold...swollen...dead.

I try to remember her happy. I see her smile...beautiful...Radiant...full of life.

That how I must remember her...that how she lived...when she lived..That is how she would want to be remembered.

I love you Geena.

My cousin. My sister. My smile.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Please bring her home

Just when things are have gotten better....something bad happens. Geena is lying in a coma right now in the middle of a hurricane down in florida. I feel numb once again....But I have to think positive....I have a headache but Geena has swelling of the brain...We can't do anything...her mother can't be with her because there are no flights to florida...My heart stops everytime the phone rings...I can't do anything but think angry...fucking positive....
Everyone in my house is praying, using the rosary to talk to God. A bunch of beads...some plastic some glass.... on a chain...some metal...some thread. Used to talk to God. A prayer re-peated several times in succession, all to talk to God. I took out my rosary, the one from my first communion...but I didn't want to use the same prayer that you use when you use the rosary...I came up with my own prayer to talk to whoever will listen...And who ever will listen I want them to give a message to Geena...I want the operator to connect me...I want them to tell her these things that I wish I could tell her in person. Maybe she will hear them and know what I am feeling...I start at the cross....

Please bring her home

then I re-peat five times over....

Please bring her home

Please bring her home
Please bring her home
Please bring her home

Please bring her home

And then I say...

Please tell her that I want her to come home
Tell her that I love her
Tell her that her mom loves her
Tell her that her family loves her
Tell her that I lover her like she is my older sister
Tell her that she is my role model
Tell her her sisters love her
Tell her her goddaughter wants her home
Tell her that her unbornchild is waiting to meet her one day
Tell her that Janelle is mad at her again

Tell her her mother is worried sick about her

Tell her that I thank her for trusting me to use her new car to take my driving test
Tell her that I still want to go scubadiving with her
Tell her that I'm happy she finally put furnature in the house
Tell her that when she gets out we have to rent another mustang
Tell her that I want to be like her when I grow up
Tell her never to go driving during hurricanes again
Tell her that I thought horseback riding was cool when she did it
Tell her that I still think she's an alien when she picks things up with her feet like they are hands
Tell her she was Brandy's best friend
Tell her to stop playing handball against her living room wall

Tell her that I was going to take her up on that offer for the long weekend

Tell her I'm still upset she made me cry that time in the car
Tell her that I'm crying right now
Tell her I said thank you for getting me into college
Tell her I'm happy she finally got some rhythm in her salsa dancing
Tell her that she still needs to work at it a little more
Tell her that part of the reason why I love Dali's paintings is because she loves them too
Tell her I want to paint for her
Tell her I want to paint like her
Tell her I'm sorry for missing her gallery opening
Tell her I'll be at the next one

Tell her Tony, Jeanette and the kids are ready to challenge her at kareoke

Tell her little Gee wants her Madrina to be at the college graduation
Tell her that I want to be at her wedding
Tell her that it's not her time
Tell her there is a lot left unfinished
Tell her all the pain she went through in the past made her stronger
Tell her to use that strength now
Tell her she deserves all the good that has come to her
Tell her I still want to make her crack up laughing
Tell her I wouldn't want to get drunk and pass out at boobie's with anyone else but her
Tell her she is still a rotten cheater and sore loser at any game

Tell her that she is The Scrabble nerd and master

Tell her I admire her
Tell her that that her mom loves her as if she gave birth to her herself
Ask her did she hear me
Ask her did she hear us
Ask her does she hear Laura
Do you hear me
Are you listening to me
We want her back
We want her here and now
Please bring her's not her time

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

The Big day

Here it is...the big day...Today my cousin Janelle will give the biggest gift one could give to another. She is donating her kidney to my mother. It's 5:30 am, I've only slept for an hour and I am nervous as hell.
I know that this is a proceedure that is done everyday without a problem but I can't help but be nerve racked.
Whatever angels, gods, spirits, or passed relatives are out there I just hope they watch over the both of them.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Make a fish breathe oxygen and stand on it's fins

Well today I was called into the principals office and to speak. Actually the manager I report to called me into his office to tell me that the supervisor was complaining about me to him. The supervisor hasn't been appreciating my work ethic, which lately has consisted of talking on the phone, laughing out loud while talking on the phone, coming in later than I should, and overall appearing to not be doing any work (which is not too far from the truth). Funny thing is, I've been doing this for a while now, only difference is that I am now sitting right next to the VP's office so I'm more exposed. I was warned to try not to be so manger know that I do my work but I just have to be more careful. To which I apologized and said that I would do as he suggested.
Now usually when some thing like this happens to someone at work they leave the office shaking in their boots, biting their fingernails saying "Oh me, oh my! I better do what they say or I'll get into big trouble! (whimper, whimper)"....Funny thing is, I was barely phased by it.
That is NOT a good thing.
Lately I've been feeling like I am slowly deteriorating from the inside out. I have spent 5 years working in a non-creative environment and it is slowly killing my soul. I know it sounds dramatic but that is the best way I can describe it. I am an artist working in credit and collections...that is not an area that offers much creativity. The most creative I can get in my job is deciding what color I want to make the totals on an Excel spreadsheet. Every morning when I am walking to my building I feeling I am walking to my execution. The other day I took the day off to take my friend, Jen, to the airport. While we were wasting time until she had to go to her gate I turned to her and said "You know I am so much happier sitting here that I would be sitting at my desk at work.". She goes "Seriously?", I said "Yeah, seriously." She tells me "That is really bad.".....She's right, that is bad but it's the truth.
I hate feeling like this because I know this is not how I would usually behave. This is not me. I am not this person that literally DOES NOT CARE. I hate feeling like this but I can't help it. I hope that I can get in to a career in the very near future that is more suited to my personalities and talents. I hope I can have a job that I can even mildly enjoy. I can't keep working where I'm at....I'll either just get up and quit or let them fire me....I unfortunately would be happier either way, which again is not a good thing.
I need to be able to breath the water and not the air....I'm just not built that way.

Monday, July 19, 2004


Just checking to see if this thing works....if this can be seen then I guess it does work...also I'm trying to do something besides work...well let me wait till I get home to really post something.